Every now and then I get this overwhelming feeling that I can’t describe. Today, I was at Barnes and Noble perusing books when it hit me. It’s like nostalgia and deja vu and… I’m not sure. Like I’ve done it before, something I’ve missed, something I want, something I have all rolled into one. It’s like something from deep inside of me has imploded? Or maybe it exploded? I’m just not sure. I’m not even sure why I decided I needed to post about it. Maybe one of you have felt it?
Something else I’ve been thinking of lately is what are my next steps in life? I’ve been searching for jobs in my field since I graduated college almost two years ago with no luck. With not knowing what I want to do with my career, it is hard to search. The few jobs that I’ve been excited about and applied to I didn’t even get an interview. Some had no contact, some came back saying that I didn’t have the right experience. I think my best bet, really, is to go back to school. Just take the financial hit so I can make something of my life instead of working at a car parts factory. I’ve also really been wanting to publish a children’s story I wrote in college for a class. I’m not even sure where to start, besides proof-reading the crap out of it. So I guess I just need to find some readers to throw me some constructive criticism. I did send it to a friend a while ago to work on illustrations, but his life got busy I think.. Maybe once I give him a more complete work, he’ll have more motivation.
I don’t talk to people unless they talk to me. This could be the fault in why I have so few close friends. Not always being the one to start conversations because I felt like a bother. I’ve also been a quiet observer for a very long time, so when it comes to speaking my mind it doesn’t always speak it’s volume. I’ve always thought I was a good person, never having heard of any negative rumors (well besides the 10 minute plays sophomore year, but that was slightly deserved) about myself. That was until a couple years back. A friend of mine and I would always get into small arguments. Nothing I couldn’t handle, but I’d complain about it often. I hate debating with people. Sometimes, people would ask me why I was friends with this person. My answer would always be the same. “If I’m not going to be friends with her, who will?” It wasn’t always bad. It was mostly good in fact. We shared similar tastes in music. Even though distance kept us apart, we would always sit down at our computers and watch the same show together as if we were in the same room. We didn’t always hang out, but when we did I enjoyed it. When ever I dare to dream about my future wedding, she’s always in the bridesmaid lineup.
She struggled with relationships and I thought I tried to help. The biggest argument we had was over a boy. He never seemed to care for her like I thought he should. I tried to tell her this but it blew up in my face. Her thinking I was a horrible friend for not supporting her love, me thinking she was cruel for not listening to me. We didn’t speak a word to each other for 7 months. It wasn’t until my birthday that year that she reached out to me. Maybe it was because she heard about my very recent breakup, maybe it was because she needed somebody. I knew then that no matter what arguments we had, I’d be there for her. Even if to her it seemed I was a horrible friend.
After that we talked as much as ever, but every now and then I’d get a bit of what had gone wrong in the first place. Not wanting to fall into the same hole, I’d retreat. I’d try and stay on her side of things.
Well, a little over a year ago, we stopped talking as much. I thought she might just need some space. Some time to figure herself out. We’d still have conversations over our mutually favorite shows and games but it wasn’t the same.
Tonight, she has given me a real scare. She sent me a text saying that she was sorry we had grown apart, and that she had been so judge-mental in the past. At first I thought it was heartfelt. It meant a lot to me that she was able to admit to her mistakes, so I sent back a reply. The jist of it, was that I had made mistakes as well and that I’d always be there for her. However, she hasn’t responded. I’ve checked her social media pages and they’ve all come up with depressing mood updates. I’ve tried calling. I’ve tried reaching out to mutual friends. I am not sure what else I can do. I’ve made this blog post today hoping that maybe, just maybe she’ll read it and reach out to someone. Even if it’s not me. Though I wish she would respond to me, I couldn’t possibly loose another friend this year. This could be the wrong way to go about this. For all I know, she could be reading this and be pissed off that I had the nerve to talk about it in such a public form. For all I know, she could just be really into whatever book she’s reading and has her phone on silent. But honestly, I have no idea what else I could do.
Please. I’m here for you. Know that.