He looked around, this wasn’t where he was supposed to be.
“Excuse me sir, you’re not allowed to be on the premises.” A security guard came around the corner.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t see any signs.” The man started to walk away, off to look for the rental office space his friend mentioned.
“It’s a silly rule they have. Want all the luxury of a beautiful lawn, but none of the riffraff. Can’t have beauty with ugly old signs.”
“Must be your job to scare us off then. What is this building even for?” He looked around at all the high-end benches and well manicured planter boxes. The flowers were vibrant.
“Also classified.” The guard smiled, glancing at the glass door from where she came.
“My, must be pretty boring, not being able to tell people what you do for a living.” The man was now facing the guard, assuming she was lonely. There wasn’t any other people on the large stone patio.
“Oh, but it has its perks. And occasionally I get to tell friends about the cute strangers I meet.” She smiled again and looked back to the glass door.
The man blushed. “Maybe we could get a drink some time, you can tell me all about these cute strangers.” He slipped a hand in his coat pocket and pulled out a business card to hand to her.
“Maybe.” She smiled and headed back to the glass door.
I had a terrible dream but before I go into it, I should tell you some back story. You’ve heard me speak of the boyfriend, I believe my post about two years ago was about him being my gezellig. I had moved in with him nearly two years ago and I was so happy. If you remember my last post last week, I was a little bitter in the start but didn’t explain why. Well, my boyfriend had told me that he “loved me, but.” The but turned out to be “I don’t know if I am in love.” That left me pretty hurt but I wanted to give him some time to really think about it, although I had lost hope. We’d been together for three years, I thought he should have known by now. I knew I was in love with him so it should’ve all worked out. I’m not sure if my questions to him led him to realize I wasn’t “the one” or if he knew all along and was too much of a coward. I think about that constantly, even a week later. He broke up with me on our three year anniversary, stating that I deserve better and need to go find someone who will give me the love I want. Thinking back on it, I knew the whole time something wasn’t right. I probably thought subconsciously that he wasn’t into it anymore and I tried getting him to talk about it but he never did. I find out now that he was just hoping things would work out. I feel cheated. Especially since we signed a new lease and I was really beginning to enjoy my time in this town I had moved to for him. You can’t just hope for things to work out, you have to try hard, express feelings and frustrations. And he never could. Maybe I could have done something, but now I feel like he didn’t want to fix it. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to work out.
What does all of this mean for me? I’ve been stuck in a town with a boy I loved not living for me. I thought, “yes! I’ve found the one I want to marry, the rest will work itself out!” But that’s not the case. I should have been working for me.
Now to the dream.
I was visiting my parents in the dream, headed back to the town I moved to with the boy. Not even Twenty minutes into the drive, I looked over at a mall and a dense fog came rolling in. I couldn’t see more than a few feet away. Next thing I know, I’ve hit something I assume is a car and begin to drift sideways. Just as I’m about to hit the railing of an overpass and fall to my doom, I jolt awake.
I am all about finding the meanings of dreams. I’ve had so many terrible nightmares, and usually feel like knowing symbols will try and help me figure out what my subconscious is trying to tell me. That being said, I looked up on dreammoods.com on what this car crash could have meant. “To dream that your car flipped over or rolled over implies that some significant event is preventing you from achieving your goals. You feel that you have to put your own life on hold.” Well gosh darn, that makes sense now. Me in the dream driving towards where my boyfriend (ex now, but dream land I think was still current) should be and crashing. It’s right, I didn’t follow my goals. I went for him. And now that I think of it, the fog probably represents something too. Let me just look that up.
“To dream that you are going through a thick fog symbolizes confusion, troubles, scandal, uncertainty and worries. You may not be seeing things the way they really are. You may have lost your sense of direction in life.” Well hey look at that.
Maybe I’m wrong, dreams don’t always have to mean something. But you even have to admit, this fits to my situation. After the breakup I did feel like I wasted time not knowing where I wanted to end up. So its a new leaf for me ladies and gentlemen, onwards and upwards! Now, where is that I don’t have a clue yet. I have to find a new place to live.
I am a boiling pot of rage.
Or maybe I’m not. Maybe life goes the way it goes because that’s how it’s meant to be. Things will play out they way they do and I just have to learn from my mistakes, and take what I am given and turn it into what I want. With in limits of course.
(like when you want someone to love you but they just aren’t sure. you can’t make them, but it still makes you sad)
There’s this whole other issue I have with life. You need experience to get experience and you need experience to get a job. I haven’t applied to many jobs, probably not as many as I should have. In the time I’ve been actively looking for a job to better myself, say 10 jobs… I’ve had two interviews. Both of them (and countless reply emails with no interest in interviews) have come back with “We have chosen someone who has more experience in the field than you.” Well that’s just crap. Utter crap. My next plan of action? I just filled out an application to go to culinary school. Not a fancy one, but one I could reasonably afford and will still get me the skills I need. I’m currently watching Chopped on the Food Network and I have no idea how they make any of this stuff spot on, but I want to learn. Since my English degree hasn’t really gotten me anywhere, maybe I can go on to my other dream of being a Chef. Like a personal one for rich people, or have my own restaurant, or be a celebrity chef.
Maybe I’ll turn that experience into a book. Or maybe I’ll finish my other book. Or maybe I’ll finish that simple story I promised in the last blog. But haha, that actually wasn’t that simple because I have no idea how to end it.
I feel stuck, wordpress friends. So many dreams, so little ways of obtaining them.